Hi, today, Tim Kellis, author of Equality, The Quest for the Happy Marriage, is my guest.
Welcome, Tim. Can you please tell us about your book?
The journey through Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage includes a trip through history, where the most significant lessons civilization has learned over the last few thousand years are used to demonstrate not only the way to set up a positive relationship, but the causes of that relationship turning negative.
Additionally, I dive into the science of psychology to answer the most basic question anyone asks who goes through the pain of divorce, “why didn’t we work out”?
The basic premise of the book is that we have a 50% divorce rate yet there doesn’t appear to be anything happening to help solve this problem. Just because divorce has become a significant part of our culture doesn’t mean we should simply sit back while countless families suffer through the agony of splitting up.
The toll to society tomorrow because of our culture of divorce today is impossible to determine but future generations will have to deal with this change to the culture that has occurred over the last two generations.
For the first time in history I elaborate on a psychological solution to our psychological problems so that couples can learn how to change the direction of their negative relationships. In essence, the psychological objective is to understand what happens mentally between two people who make one of the most important decisions of their lives, to get married.
The objective of this book is to provide real, logical help to couples so that they can learn how to stay out of the divorce trap. The bottom line is to learn how to set up your relationship so that you can maintain a happy, healthy, harmonious, loving, affectionate, intimate marriage.
What inspired you to write this book?
My biggest influence, and the reason I have taken on the challenge of saving marriages, were my parents, who again just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. And their influence wasn’t because of anything they ever said to me, but what they did, stayed married. What makes this more important was they had the typical marriage of couples from their generation, full of fights, but they managed to stick it out. They taught me that divorce was not an option, that quitting was not the path to take.
My mom actually had my career mapped out when I was a kid to be a priest, something I took very seriously. I was an altar boy (no, I do not have any stories) and studied the bible intently. Although I haven’t read the bible since I was a kid I have used a lot of what I learned in my book. And then I discovered girls.
Although my career was extremely successful I never met a girl who lit up my passion, until at the height of the stock market (I worked as a Wall Street analyst) in 2000 I met a girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and then we started arguing. Towards the end we went to a therapist looking for help solving our relationship troubles. When I realized he wasn’t really helping I decided to tackle the issue myself, although that relationship ended. Writing this book was my cathartic reaction to that pain.
When I met this girl I had worked for 5 years as a semiconductor analyst on Wall Street. So I studied like a Wall Street analyst, reading over 100 books in a period of 10 months, which equates to 2 ½ books a week, straight for 10 months. I believe this may be one of the most researched books ever written. And at the end of this research my confidence in my ability to solve the relationship problem resulted in the book, after 9 months of writing.
The bottom line is a professional psychologist could not have written such an expansive book as “Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage” because of the limitations of the industry. My joke is the 100 books read included nearly 2 dozen relationship books and the only books read that were fiction were the relationship books. In fact, the first title concept I came up with was “Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth” to demonstrate just that point.
What do you feel makes your book stand out from all of the other relationship books out there?
This is the first relationship book written from a mental perspective, and as I joke above this is the first non-fiction relationship book written, because it solves the marriage problem. The boilerplate that I have discovered with all of the other relationship books that I have read is they begin with a description of “John and Jane Doe” not getting along followed by behavior advice. Until you get to the root causes of behavior you will not be able to solve the marriage problem.
Dr. Phil mentions in his book that he basically has not solved a single serious relationship problem in 25 years of work when he states “in the twenty five years that I have been doing work in the field of human behavior, I have seen few if any genuine relationship conflicts ever get resolved”. And John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, reveals the depth of his book when he states at the beginning “I do not directly address the question of why men and women are different,” which would add profound insight as to how to overcome those differences.
What is the most important message of your book?
The single biggest objective of my book is to teach couples how to get along, how to resolve the inevitable conflicts that are a part of every relationship when you bring together 2 people from 2 completely different backgrounds. You have to be able to resolve the different perspectives of each in a relationship. If you do not then you develop what are known as “psychic lesions” which are unresolved issues that eventually lead to mental regression.
The most common source of trouble in relationships today is the imbalance of the relationship with the parents of those with insecurities. We develop the emotional side of our minds at our youngest ages, beginning at birth. If that emotional development includes an imbalance perspective from one or both parents then we develop into adults with those same insecurities. And unfortunately to refute 100 years of psychology, we are not hardwired with those insecurities but learn them mentally, which means that we can unlearn them. To summarize this project as succinctly as possible, if you want to develop the positive relationship then fall in love with your parents. You will know this is the case if you can say you love your parents without the unfortunate “but” that follows those who have yet to let go.
What has the response been to the book?
The response from those who have read the book has been extremely positive. I have a 20 minute interview with the first couple I worked with, you can view it on my YouTube page (search Tim Kellis), where Bobby and Lynn discuss what they learned by reading my book. In fact, at the end of the interview Bobby calls it the bible. The basic feedback has been about the depth and scope of the message in the book. People who have read it come away with a much better understanding of their own relationship, which is my basic objective.
Did anything surprise you while you were writing the book?
I have been asked in the past about readers block, but I didn’t have any. I guess this is because of the amount of research that went into writing the book. Because I had worked as an analyst before taking on this project I have a very analytical mind. So after I finished the research I spent 9 months writing the book, and every day was just a matter of sitting in front of a computer and letting the thoughts that had built up through my research flow to my fingers.
Where can readers find your book?
I am currently running a 20% discount on the book, in recognition of Valentine’s Day. Even though it has passed I will continue the discount for a while. You can find the book at:
You can also find the book on Amazon.com:
I recently sent in my application package for Barnes & Noble, so hope to hear back soon about having the book available through them.
What's next for you?
I am completely focused on promoting the book at the moment, but I do have 2 more books in my head. As soon as I can find the time I will sent down to write the next one, entitled “The 10 Steps to Spirituality”.
Do you a question you'd like to ask my blog readers?
I would like to hear from your readers their relationship issues that they would like to better understand. I would also like to hear the success stories, how your readers in successful relationships manage them.
Thank you for the interview!
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